Jerome

One Way Love

Lucy and I had been best friends since junior school. It just had happened that we both lived down the same road, and so when at junior school we used to walk each other to and from, often hanging around with each other to play in the evenings and weekends - mainly just because it was easy to meet up, but I suppose also because we loved each others. We both ended up at Whittinghams High School and although we were in different groups, outside of school we were just as close - people in school just saw us as brother and sister, explaining why sometimes we were really close and others not. I suppose in ways, I would also describe Lucy as my sister - in so many ways we are so similar, in others completely different - but then again telling you that I see her as my sister is going to make this whole thing seem so much more perverse! It all really kicked off around 16, when Lucy and I started at Highfield Sixth Form Centre. We were the only two from our school to go there, so we both knew nobody - for the first few days our only friends were ourselves. This meant that everyone, who seemed to be already forming groups - or had even arrived in groups, saw us to as a couple. I mean, I suppose I couldn't really have expected anything else - what would most 16 year olds think? Boy and girl really friendly, really close - well the only logical explanation is that they are a couple. I mean, we did try and persuade people that we were just good friends, but it didn't work! I don't think it would have been as big a problem if we had made friends quickly, but to be honest with you, both Lucy and I are a bit shy, we took our time in these situations to make friends, so it just meant we clung to each other even more. One day though, on the way home from school, instead of being our chatty normal selves, we didn't say a word. It was clear that we both had a problem with this situation, the situation probably of our making. I thought I had to break the silence, I didn't really know what to say as we both knew what we were thinking. I thought it was best just to say it - How about tomorrow we go to college separately? Then maybe when we are there, we don't speak - just for a day and see what happens? So, the next morning, I walked to college alone. It was only a fifteen-minute walk, so it wasn't too bad. I arrived and saw Lucy was already there, she was sat in the corner talking in a group of girls. I knew I couldn't go over and say Hi!, even though I really wanted to so I just tried to catch her eye. It worked, and I could tell she was glad I managed. She smiled over and waved, I could see the girls she was with thinking awww, how sweet. But then, I was kind of expecting it. Seeing that Lucy seemed to have already succeeded, I decided it was only fair if I kept to the deal. I wasn't really sure who I wanted to talk to so just stood by the door quietly for a while and looked around summing up the situation. Then, luckily someone saved me. A guy named Tommy, who was in my history class came upto me and asked if I knew what room we were in first period. I told him and said I would go a long with him. (It was actually quite lucky that I had History first, because Lucy was in all my other classes!) So, Tommy and I set off for History and just started chatting in general. He was at Thorntons before college, probably one of the best schools in the area, but said he didn't like it. So here he was, but for him the situation was worse. Well, at least Lucy and I had each other - he was on his own. We sat together in history and just chatted all the way through. Making friends was not as hard as I thought it would be, it is just a matter of trying! So, after the lesson, we had to go our own ways but before we did we agreed to meet up for lunch. By then, he had also met another couple of guys, Paul and Danny. Tommy, if anything isn't shy, he is willing to talk to anyone and everyone - something I wish I could do but can't! So, anyway, the four of us sat around for lunch - all of us complete strangers but with one thing in common - whilst everyone had already made friends we hadn't - well not until now anyway. Lunch consisted of getting to know each other, just general chit chat really and we all agreed to meet again tomorrow. Simple as that really. I walked back from college with Lucy, just through coincidence really. Well, seems as we did have most our classes together, it was pretty much impossible to miss each other but we did make an effort to sit with new people. It seemed to be working and seems as we were pleased with our efforts for the day, we walked home together. It was back to normal, and maybe that one day was going to have been enough - we both agreed that tomorrow we don't have to avoid each other, just to make sure that we did spend time with new people. Tomorrow came around quickly, and because I now had people to chat too it seemed to pass by quickly. Soon enough Tommy, Danny, Paul and I along with a couple of other lads Charlie and Blake, were our own little group. Lucy slotted nicely into a pre formed group, they came from Tattersley and all seemed friendly enough. College life was taking off, I used to hang around after school with either the lads or Lucy and sometimes all the lads and girls would get together - it was great as there was pretty much an even number of boys to girls, and everyone got on more or less. Then one day, I suppose things changed slightly. I am not sure really why or how, but I started seeing Lucy in a different light. By this time people realised nothing was actually happening between Lucy and I, but I am pretty sure most of them thought something should have been, and I suppose in ways so did I. I had only ever been out with a few girls, and most of those were short relationships - a few weeks at the most, and I realised why. I always compared them to Lucy. Ok so I know that’s harsh but if you knew Lucy you would know why. I mean all the guys at college fancied her, not only was she gorgeous, she was funny and friendly - the whole package really. I know that my bunch of lads thought I was crazy not to have been with her, they also used to jibe me about it. Maybe it was that jibing that really triggered something inside me. I remember probably the first time I felt something more than friendship, it was one day after college, Lucy and I were walking home. It was just a normal walking, chatting and laughing, and then I turned at looked at her. That moment just seemed to be in slow motion, just like something you see in the movies - I turned and she turned towards me and smiled, slowly, giggling slightly. Her bright baby blue eyes twinkling, he mouth opening out into its glorious smile, her long brown hair moving as she turned her head. In that moment, she was perfection, it took my breath away. It was perfection, that one moment and it felt like she felt what I was feeling too. I couldn't bear it, I just had to turn away, I couldn't do it. Lucy was shocked, she didn't know what was wrong, she could see I was reacting to something but did not know what. She just tried to brush over it and started talking about homework or god knows what. That evening I went home, and just sat on my bed thinking. I had a major text to read for the next day but I just couldn't concentrate because my mind was in this other place, all I could see was Lucy. Something was wrong, I knew it couldn't lead anywhere but still I couldn't stop thinking about it. The next morning, I left early for school and did not bother picking up Lucy on the way, I did not want to let this get out of control. Lucy apparently saw me out of her window rushing past, and came out to catch me up. I just sped up, I mean I knew I was being stupid but I couldn't do anything. I could hear her shouting after me to wait, asking me what was wrong? Had she done something? In the end, I gave up running, she caught me up and we walked to school. I told her she hadn't done anything wrong, that I just wasn't feeling good today and didn't want to bug people. She said I was never a bug, that I could talk to her about anything and everything, like we always had. The problem was I couldn't talk about this. She wouldn't want to know this. College carried on that year, Lucy and I got back to relative normality and she even hooked up with a few guys. I never saw anyone else; I didn't think it was fair because I knew that I would just end up comparing them to Lucy. Plus, anyway Lucy and I saw so much of each other that it was almost like I had a girlfriend anyway. She used to look after me, if I wanted a hug I could have a hug, the only thing missing was the kissing and so on, but that wasn't important because in my head I had all that. Somehow in my head, she became my Lucy. I thought somehow it had all slipped by everyone's attention unnoticed, but it hadn't. Tommy confronted me about it one day after swimming. We were getting changed and just chatting and he picked the moment to confront me. He knew that when I was just in a small skimpy towel, I was quite vulnerable. He didn't beat around the bush, just asked the question straight to my face, the question every one had on their minds - What was happening between Lucy and I? Were we or were we not seeing each other? That moment, I don't know what came across my mind but that wrong answer flew out. I don't know somehow my heart let itself bleed out what I had been thinking and dreaming about, rather than the reality. I don't know, maybe I thought that if everyone else thought that it was true, maybe Lucy would too! Stupid I know, but I told Tommy we had got together but were keeping it quiet. Then of course further questions came, had we slept together, being the most dangerous. I said yes - I know, just how to make the whole situation worse, not only was I lying about being with Lucy, but now I was saying that it had gone to the next stage! This sort of story was going to be the gossip of college the next day I knew it. Tommy was clearly going to tell people. I explained that we were trying to keep it to ourselves, but I knew that it wouldn't help. The next day at college, I could tell there was already a buzz - I just had to hope that Lucy never found out. Something that was inevitable. A few days passed by and it seemed nobody had told Lucy, they just presumed she knew already and I take it the questions they were asking were the same as they had always done so she presumed there was no change. But, I knew that any day disaster was imminent, I knew that what I had done could not only cost me my best friend but possibly all those around her. That weekend there was a big party at Sammy's house, most of the college were there. I think it must have been his 17th, because we were still in the first year. Tommy's parents had gone away for the weekend but had been kind enough not to lock their alcohol cupboard. I could tell that this was going to spell disaster. The drinks were flowing, the atmosphere dead on and the steam train was definitely going full speed ahead. Soon enough the drinking games started, and someone suggested I Have Never, you know that game where somebody says what they have not done, and if have done it you have to knock back a shot. Well, the bottle was placed in the centre and it started off just a few of the girls. I could hear their questions were all pretty tame and so I thought I was safe, but then some of the lads joined in. Tommy pulled me over and said, come on this will be a laugh. Now, once the lads had started I knew it could all kick off. Little did I know, that it was going to be my mate Tommy who caused the problems. It came round to Tommy's turn, and he was already a little drunk and said that this game was too boring and shouldn't we hot it up a little bit. He said that we should ask real personal questions, things that we want to know, not all this boring tittle tat like, I have Never Stolen Anything. So, he started it off, he said I Have Never Snogged Someone In The School Loos. A few people took some drinks, and it started round. The questions were getting ruder, until I knew what could come next. It had built up to I Have Never Shagged Anyone In This Room, I saw a couple of the couples drinking their shots, when everyone looked over at me and Lucy. Well, haven't you two ever done it? the question finally came out, I could tell this was the moment. I said no, of course we haven't. Someone else piped up with, oh don't be shy, we know now that you two are together anyway, just drink up. Then, of course came my now drunken mate (clearly he would be drunk, as Tommy was the school slag and had done everything with both boys and girls - so of course he had drunk quite a few shots!), piped up. Oh come on stop messing around you two, I know that you have slept together, Harry you told me yourself the other day. Lucy stood there silent for a moment, I could feel everyone looking and waiting to see what had happened. She suddenly screamed, No We have not, we are not together - Harry outside now, I think we need a chat. She ran out the room, almost in tears. It was horrible, my heart broke right there on the spot. There was no turning back, I knew this was it. I followed Lucy out of the room, she was sat in the garden on the steps with her head in her hands. Her lovely baby blue eyes had lost their twinkle, and all around the skin was red from where she had been rubbing them. I put my hands on her shoulders but she pushed me away. I tried to explain, I said I was sorry a million times but she just sat there. I sat next to her and sat with her in silence, I had my hand in my heads and started to cry. I didn't know what to do. Then she started, How could you? What have I ever done to you? I didn't look up, I just carried on crying. She screamed, WELLL!!! I looked up and said I am sorry, I didn't know why I had said what I had but it just came out. I told her about the swimming pool incident, then told her about how my feelings towards her had been growing. I told her I was scared because I had never felt this was about anyone before, but also that I knew that she had never felt this was about me. I was just stuck, I couldn't talk to her about it and so I couldn't turn to anyone. For the first time ever I had felt all alone, but there was no way out. She told me to stop and told me I was a wimp. That maybe if I had just faced up to my feelings that possibly this would have never happened. How did I know how she felt about me? Why had I shut myself off? That maybe just maybe she had felt something for me, HAD being the operative word. How could she ever feel anything for me now - after what I had done? It was too late and I had ruined it all. Maybe if I just thought next time then maybe I would learn. That was it, there was no point me staying at the party, I just went straight home and cried myself to sleep. I knew it was all my fault, but it was too late. Not only had I lost the person I had fallen for, but even more so I had lost the best friend I had ever had. I didn't know what to do, maybe if I had just been a little more honest from the start, things would not have turned out like this - I only had myself to blame. The next day I tried going round to Lucy's but her Mum told me it was best to wait a day or two, Lucy didn't really have much to say to me. I knew I had to just accept it and left it alone. I saw her at school on Monday, but it was not the same. Nobody else seemed to know what had happened, Lucy had kept it to herself. She caught me on the way home from school and told me we needed to talk. I couldn't refuse, all I wanted to do was save my friendship now. We waited after school to make sure nobody would bump into us on way home and then slowly made our way. She said she understood what had been the problem, but could not understand why I had done what I had done. The problem was that maybe I didn't know really either, I had just let things get out of control. I told her that I had let me heart runaway with my imagination, leaving my head to worry about my actions afterwards. I told her I had wanted to tell her for ages, but it just hadn't happened. Lucy being Lucy let me speak, she heard me out and I could tell that she really was listening to every word I said. It felt so great to get it all off my chest, I had nothing to be afraid of now. All I wanted was to get my best friend back, I had nothing at all to lose just something to gain. When I finished I just looked at her straight in the eye, she looked disappointed but she I could see secretly she was smiling at me. I told how sorry I was, with that word she leant forward and gave me a big hug. We just stood there hugging for what felt like forever. Eventually Lucy let go, she looked me straight in the eye and told me straight exactly what she thought. She loved me to bits, but right now there was no way she could look at me in any way other than a friend. What I had done had really hurt her and she didn’t know how she felt in her heart anymore. I couldn’t do anything but accept it, but in my heart all I felt was remorse. I knew that possibly if I had just done things differently, then maybe Lucy might have loved me back.

posted by Jeremy @ 5:47 pm